Diary of a Wimpy Newbie
by StarryHeaven
Summary: Life as a newbie is rough. You've got tons of places you've never seen, members to face, and above all, a journey to begin. Follow along as this newbie sees it all!
1. Days 1 to 3

**Author: I do not own Runescape, don't sue me. **

_Day 1:_

I just got an account on Runescape. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I can't wait to beat up some people's butts! I'm so excited, I'm gonna go on right now!

_Later…_

Guess what? I got beat up- by a member! I accidentally went to the pvp world- whatever that is- and right outside of Lumby, I got beat up! Can you believe it! And I lost all my money too! I earned 30 coins killing five goblins, and now I've given it up to a stupid member! Ugh! I HATE YOU STUPID MEMBERS! YOU SUCK! Anyway, I should probably get off the computer before I smash it. G'day.

_Day 2: _

Got reported for reporting stupid members for no reason and swearing at them!!

I soooo mad, members pick on me and call me a noob, what's a noob? I'm gonna play more Runescape though.

_Later…_

I went to a village with beefy guys and girls carrying weapons. I dodged them so I wouldn't get in trouble. Found a place and went in a place where there was **FREE**__cooked beef and beer! Found members killing barbarians and got an emerald from it. Yay!

Oh no! Beefy guy killed me, lost emerald, beef, beer, and bones!! Appeared in Lumby?

Got to log off before get killed AGAIN.

_Day 3:_

Walked and walked and walked. I got to a ditch and the other side was burnt. I jumped over. Giant rats that are lvl 6 attacked me. HEY! I DIDN"T DO ANYTHING!! Stupid rats. Noticed skulls and bones everywhere. Kept walking. Sky getting darker. A little scared. A lvl 102 member told me to get lost. I swore at him. He reported me. I kept walking. Got to a cave. Went in and found scary goth members. Talked to a man and talked to a giant dragon bug and went in another hole, found some weird stone and ran with it to the middle. Someone started attacking me for no reason. Come to think of it, everyone is attacking everyone else. I've gotta get out of here!! I'm dead. Now I'm back, and I'm supposed to attack him?! He's a lvl 103, how am I going to do this? Hey, I have magic!! Went looking for him the whole time and couldn't find him. The game ended and I lost. I don't know where I am but there are a lot of frogs. Kept talking to the wrong person and got turned into a frog, then got turned back when I talked to the prince?! Whatever. I must be dreaming. It'll make sense in the morning.


	2. Days 4 to 6

**Diary of a Wimpy Newbie**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Runescape, don't sue me. Also, bad grammar is the person talking, not me. **

* * *

**Day 4:**

Well, after I returned to Lumbridge with a **COOL** teleport thingamajigy, I decided to explore some more. Oh, explore, oh explore, I'm gonna be the best!! Sorry, I got sidetracked. All right, stay focused. Okay, so this is the whole story. I AM MAD!! These people wearing black robes attacked me for no good reason. Dude, I haven't bothered anyone yet! Quit picking on me!! I saw them at a place where there were guards. As soon as I got near them, they started to attack me with a weird purple magic. I tried to run away, but I had run all the way there, so I had no energy left. I was down to the bones. Boo hoo. Every time I log on, something horrible happens to me. I'm gonna log off and try my luck tomorrow.

**Day 5:**

Today, I found some fish and chicken that someone had left behind when they died- right outside of Lumbridge castle! I got extremely lucky today, because right after that, I found a bunch of gray stuff and I checked it. It was **RUNES!!** I decided to sell it, and I got lucky again! I sold it to a person for 100 gp. Wow! That's a lot of money! I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet. Maybe I'll buy some new clothes. Or maybe get something to eat. Anyhow, I should log off before all my luck goes away.

**Day 6:**

Apparently, I logged off too late. When I logged on today, it was nothing but bad luck after bad luck after bad luck. First, I found some chicken (good luck), then I burnt all of them (bad luck), then I killed a goblin but died, and after that, some people called me a noob. **I TOLD YOU PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW WHAT A NOOB IS!!** So anyway, after that, a person with spiky magenta hair said to start dancing if "you hate this noob" and a bunch of people started dancing. I ran out of Lumbridge Castle and ran into bad luck AGAIN. I was chopping trees, minding my own business, when all of a sudden a tree spirit came out of nowhere and started attacking me. THAT THING WAS A FREAKIN' LVL 100! I died , of course, and lost all of my hard earned money and my logs. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just curl up in a corner and cry. Yup, I think I'll go do that. Goodnight. If you don't see me in the morning, assume I'm dead because I killed myself.


	3. Days 7 to 9

**A/N: Hey guys. Sorry to keep you waiting, here's the next chapter!  
**-  
**Day 7: **

Today I decided not to get killed... as usual. I decided to explore somewhere safe- the Lumbridge Castle. First I went into the kitchen. A member called me a noob. I swore at him, but all that showed up on the screen was "****************" I'M TELLING YOU PEOPLE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT A NOOB IS! QUIT USING BIG WORDS TO CONFUSE ME! IT'S NOT EVEN IN THE DICTIONARY! Anyways, I took the pot and bowl. **I love free stuff**. But I don't know what they are used for, and nobody else takes it! I mean like, if you guys don't want it, I'll have it! But then I found a trap door. Oooooooooooh, a trap door! Should I go? Should I not?

I'm going.

I appeared in a big basement thingymabob. I found two free pairs of boots! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! **I love free stuff!** I turned around the corner, and saw free cabbage, and a knife, and a bucket. Now what am I gonna do with a bucket? But still, **more free stuff!** So I grabbed everything... and that's when I saw the most ferocious, scariest, monster in the whole universe! HOLY COW, I JUST PEED IN MY PANTS! It was a LVL 1 SPIDER! But wait, not just one, but like FIVE! I hate monsters! I'm getting out of here. It was then that I knew I had to be a hero. So I attacked one.

*cure Mario Kart music*

I won, but I lost half of my life. Oh well, heroes have to make sacrifices. I attacked another one.

*cue funeral march*

I died.

**Day 8:**

I appeared back outside the castle. For like what, the seventieth time? I AM REALLY MAD 'CAUSE I LOST ALL OF MY FREE STUFF AND I REALLY LIKE FREE STUFF SO WHY DID I HAVE TO GO AND ATTACK THOSE SPIDERS I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE A HERO AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT ME! I am **never never never never never never **(to the hundredth power) going back there and **never never never never never never **(to the hundredth and one power) going to be a hero again!

I wandered around and found a staircase. I wonder where this leads to? When I appeared, there was as red dot on the small map. AHHHHHH, MONSTER! But I will be... A HERO! I stalked my prey and found... a dagger? So I wanted to click it but there was this other dude who, I think was like a member and he like TOOK THE DAGGER! Which is free! Curse you, stupid member! He was a level 3 and guess what he called me? A NOOB! And he told me to get a life. You know what? I am seriously going to email Jagex or whoever owns this website and tell them to take the word "noob" off of this website and to ban anyone who says it. I am also planning to call up Webster's and tell them to add "noob" to the dictionary. I think I will go and do that tomorrow. Yes, I think I will. Meanwhile, though, I will log off and rest my troubled soul.

**Day 9:**

I finished resting my troubled soul. LOOK! The dagger appeared again just for ME! My lucky day. =) So I clicked it real fast and raced to get it but some girl took it away from me. LIKE WHAT THE HECK! Stinky players. The worst part is, she walked away saying, "haha NOOBish NOOB!" Grrrrrrrr. I H8 PPLWHO USE THT WORD! G' bye.


	4. Days 10 to 12

**A/N: Hey guys, another chapter! Day 10 marks the one third mark! Woooooohooooooooo!**

**Day 10: **

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh, I don't care about that STUPID dagger! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT STUPID DAGGER! I DON'T NEED THAT STUPID DAGGER! Although I don't have a sword...or money... or a shield... or anything. Hmmmmm... I hate that dagger! Hate it, hate it, hate it! Anyways, I decided to explore the castle more. I went up a cool set of stairs to the top of the castle... the fourth level? No, maybe the seventh. Wait, no, the third? I don't know. So, I saw this little dollar thing, I raced to get it, and there were a lot of peeps there already, and they were all there! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! There won't be enough money for me! Wait, what's this about a bank? YOU MEAN THERE'S A BANK WHERE I CAN DEPOSIT MY STUFF SO I WON'T LOSE IT? Oh, but I don't have anything. Hehehehehehe. Maybe I can steal from the bank. Oh no. Did I just say that out loud? Oh, look. Someone responded to me. He said, "I'm going to report you." What does that mean? Report me to where? You mean a report card? Nooooooooooooooo, I don't wanna go back to school! I'm too cool for school, mommy said so. But then again my mom's an idiot, so what does she know? And then a lvl 74 came up to me and guess what he said? "You ********, I like my mom. don't insult my mom. She's not an idiot." And I said, "Gosh I was saying my own. Like, gosh, guy." and he said, "Dude, how do you know my name?" and I said, "Because I'm THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE." And Guy said, "Fail." and I said, "Your mom's a fail." And Guy said, "Your mom's a epic fail." does that mean she's epic? Because she is... NOT! And then I said, "Hey, don't pick on newbies." And he said, "Oh, that's right. You're a NOOB in a tube. And I'm a cool dude with a... help me out," and I said, "with a bad attitude." And another guy came in and guess what his username was? ImMaFail4Ever! He was like, "NOOBS THESE DAYS!" and Guy was like, "I no, rite?" And I was like, "SOB FOR BOB" And they were like, "Fail."

P.S. I know I shouldn't write in big paragraphs, but my English teacher's not here, so ha!

**Day 11:**

Today I made a hard decision... TO BE AN ADVENTURER! I walked out of my safety zone (Lumbridge Castle) and headed down a road. Soon, I came to an intersection and did not know which way to go. A user called NERD_B_GONE_27 walked past me sayin' "UsE dA MaP! SuCkEr" WHAT! THERE's A STINKIN MAP! WoW, WoW. There's a place called Draynor Manner, and I'm guessing it's a place to learn manners. I'm going there to see why other suckers are going there. I walked down the lonely path... three roads diverged in a cross-section and I took the one to Draynor Manner. I saw fainted trees... actually they're dead trees. I walked to the princess's castle where Bowser kept my fair princess Peach locked up and tortured her every day. OW! WHY'D YOU ATTACK ME... there's no one here. I don't know. I keep walking, and I want to know who had attacked me so I head back. OW! LOSING HITPOINTS HERE! OW! DOWN TO 17! OMG, IT'S A TREE! HEY, I'M DYING...

**Day 12:**

I WILL BE AN EXPLORER, AND I WILL GO BACK AND FIND THAT TREE AND CONQUER IT! I came, I saw...I died. I WILL ATTEMPT YET AGAIN TO BE A HERO! AND EXPLORER. Oh no! I died again! I simply cannot die again. I will abandon any hopes of rescuing my fair princess from the evil clutches of Bowser and his evil minions. Oh, princess, forgive me! HEY! STOP CALLING ME A NOOB! JUST BECAUSE I DIED MANY TIMES, IT DOESN'T MAKE ME A NOOB! BESIDES, I DON'T KNOW WHAT A NOOB IS, SO QUIT CALLING ME ONE AND GO GET A DICTIONARY! GEEZ PEOPLE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO INSULT ME, AT LEAST USE A BETTER VOCABULARY! Hey, guess what? Someone just wanted to trade with me. So I will see what they want. Hey, they just gave me a bunch of...fish? They just said that I will need this, so they decided to give me it. That's nice. OH MY GOD. AND I THOUGHT HE WAS NICE. RIGHT AFTER TRADING ME A LOT OF FISH, HE CALLED ME... _**A NOOB**_.


	5. Days 13 to 15

**A/N: Hey everyone! I hope you guys are enjoying **_**Diary of a Wimpy Newbie**_** so far! Here's the next chapter. :)**

**Day 13: **

Well, I managed to survive pretty well so far. It seems like everyone has one of those anti dragon-whatevers. So I'm getting myself one of those. First, I have to earn my money. I'll go kill enough goblins to earn money, and possibly go on quests- the easier ones. I want to do some quests. But I don't know which ones. WHICH ONES, OH WHICH ONES SHOULD I DO? Well, I just talked to some member that **didn't** call me names, and he said that the farmer quest is the easiest. So I'm off to the farmer's to get myself a quest. Well, I got to the farmer's place, but guess what? There were two farmers! One was "Farmer Fred" and the other was "Farmer". I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU NAME YOUR KID "FARMER"! THAT'S JUST A BIG RED FLAG SAYING, "HEY, COME AND KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" OMG, someone just killed the farmer! Call a doctor! Call the ambulance! Call a barber! Call a butcher! No, I don't want to eat the farmer. Besides, all he leaves is bones anyway, which is not really good to eat.

So I went up to Farmer Fred and talked to him. The first thing he said was, "Hey! Get away from my land! Are you the one that's been killing all the chickens?" I mean, seriously, I haven't killed a single chicken yet! I got pissed at him and decided to go away. Farmer Fred was too mean to me. I'm not going to talk to him anymore. So then I left the farm and I saw a bunch of people running to somewhere (I don't know where) and when they ran by the chicken farm I was coming out and one of them said, "Hey!" and I said,. "Hey!" and the person (whose name was PK_Is_Fun) said, "Do you wanna come with us?" and I asked, "Where?" and he said, "To a cool place where you can get a lot of money." And I said, "Sure!" and they said, "Follow us!" So I followed them, and they ran by a lot of cool places that I haven't visited yet, and they got to a place where there was a BIG line drawn in the dirt, and they said, "Jump over this line." And so I did, but I couldn't find them anymore because they were running and I couldn't catch up with them. So I yelled for them to go slower but they wouldn't go any slower and I lost them. So I wandered around by myself for a while and-

_**HOLY COW, GIANT RATS!**_

**Day 14:**

I am now back in Lumbridge, where I am in search of a quest that won't get me killed. I heard there is a ghost here somewhere, and that he needs a head, so I am off in search of that ghost and its head. I went to the cemetery and there was this room in it, and I went inside the room, and there was a coffin, right? So I opened the coffin and out popped a ghost! Well, I was scared to death, and I almost fainted, but I remembered that I had a job to do, so I tried talking to the ghost. **STUPID GHOST. ALL HE SAYS IS, "WOOOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, WOOO, WOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

**HELLO, DOES THE STUPID FREAKIN' GHOST NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T SPEAK GHOST? I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF IT'S A LANGUAGE OR NOT, IT PROBABLY IS, BUT I NEVER LEARNED IT IN SCHOOL. THE ONLY LANGUAGES I LEARNED IN SCHOOL WAS SPANISH, GERMAN, FRENCH, LATIN, GREEK, RUSSIAN, ITALIAN, AND ARABIC. I NEVER GOT PAST A COUPLE MONTHS IN SPANISH BECAUSE IT WAS FUN IN THE BEGINNING BUT GOT REALLY BORING WHEN THE TEACHER MADE US STUDY GRAMMAR, I MEAN, HOW BORING IS THAT? I FAILED A LOT OF TESTS AND FINALLY MY TEACHER KICKED ME OUT OF THE CLASS BECAUSE SHE SAYS, "I ASK TOO MANY UNIMPORTANT QUESTIONS." I MEAN, THAT IS SUCH A PUT-DOWN! DIDN'T THE TEACHERS LEARN TO BE OPTIMISTIC AND ENCOURAGE THE STUDENTS TO LEARN, NOT PUT THEM DOWN SO THEY FAIL AND FLUNK THE CLASS? I GUESS THEY NEVER TOOK **_**SELF ESTEEM 172**_**. SO I SWITCHED LANGUAGES BUT GOT KICKED OUT AGAIN, SO I KEPT SWITCHING AND FINALLY I GOT KICKED OUT OF ALL THE CLASSES AND THE PRINCIPAL BANNED ME FROM TAKING ANOTHER LANGUAGE CLASS. **_**I NEVER STUDIED GHOST.**_

**Day 15:**

Today I found some shrimp lying on the ground. I picked them up and suddenly a cat appeared out of nowhere and said, "meow!" that really scared me. What's a cat doing in Runescape? I don't know, and I didn't know if I wanted to know the answer to that, and I didn't have time to think about it because suddenly I ended up in a jail cell with a bunch of floating pink thingys around me and a stupid prisoner named "Pete". What the heck! This is really stupid. I can't believe that I have to try and pop these balloon animals and try and get out of here. This is so lame. I'm going to pop any random animal and try to get out.

Oh, hey, I got the first puzzle right. I'm excited. Let's see… I can maybe get out of this place after all. Yes! I got the next puzzle right! I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!

Oh yeah, I got out! I can't believe that I got out of that prison. I'm back where I started, where the shrimp is, or rather… was. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The shrimp is gone, and now I don't have any food! Oh wait, I can just go to the bank. The bank will have free food. I can get free food because the bank always gives out free food, right?

OMG, forget that. I don't need to do that. I just saw a little wooden board stuck on the ground and it says that someone died!

**!**

And guess what? The board disappeared after a while and there were bones and money, a lot of it. I picked it up and guess what? I found 917,620 gp! Now I'm rich! Some guy who ran over at the same time I did didn't get the coins and he was like, "********************************** that, NOOB! Give me back my money!" And I was like, "No way. You snooze, you lose, sucker! !"

And guess what he said?

"**NOOB."**


	6. Days 16 to 18

**Day 16:**

Sooooooooooooooooooooo… I found tons of money, right? I wanted to see it and see what it looked like, right? So I dropped it all on the ground. Then I saw a flash of gold nearby (maybe 3 steps away)

**HOLY COW, THAT'S A LOT OF CASH I COULD BE GETTING!**

So I clicked it, and I missed. So I clicked it again, and I missed again. Stupid computer mouse. But I was going to be a skilled clicker. After several brave and noble attempts, _I got it_. Three coins- ka-ching!

But when I walked back to my big pile of money, it was _**GONE!**_ OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid Runescape! I H8 THIS STUPID GAME! At least I have three coins, though. I'm still rich… right? Because of my good fortune of getting three coins, I decided to test my luck and go kill some mans. They are level 2, and I'm a level 3. Ha! I can kill them easily. I hope… Anyway, so I click on a man that was looking at me and I go kill him. It took a while, but I killed my first man! Now I will go kill a woman, because they are weak and easier to kill. So I walk down the street to the shop and found a man that looked weird. I tried to kill him. His name was, "Lactose-fer" or something like that. I don't remember. Anyway, he wasn't killable, **and **he asked me for money! Well, because of my good fortune (of 3 coins), I dropped three coins on the ground and walked off. Mommy would be proud of me for donating, not thieving.

I can't find a woman to kill. Bye!

**Day 17:**

I found a woman and I killed her. Today. I am soooooooo proud of myself. Guess what? I also gained a level. I'm now a level four. I also had the good fortune to find two coins. But then guess what? Before I could click, I died. The woman killed me! Well, I killed her, but she killed me, and I guess we died at the same time. Cool, huh? So I was walking to the training place because I heard that you can get free stuff, and **I love free stuff.** Along the way, I found an iron dagger and two coins. When I got to the training place, I saw that there were three different people dressed in the weirdest outfits. I talked to them, but no one gave me free stuff. Now I was ANGERED.

DUDE, LIKE SERIOUSLY? YOU PEOPLE ARE CHEAP, AND JAGEX IS CHEAP, AND MEMBERS ARE CHEAP. AND, AND, AND, AND, AND… AND THEN SOME GUY NAMED "skaterboy7612" said, "and, and, and, and, and, noobs are cheap!" Well, that set me off. **THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW. LEVEL 116's ARE CHEAP. REALLY CHEAP. LIKE, ONE CENT CHEAP. I STARTED TO SWEAR AT HIM AND CALLED HIM ALL KINDS OF COLORFUL NAMES. LIKE, "you're purple" or "you're black and white" or "you're yellow and green, just like puke," or "you're gonna be black and blue by the time I'm done with you."**

Then a guy named "skaterboy7613" said, "Dude, quit picking on my brother." Then the most scariest thing on Mars happened. Skaterboy7610, Skaterboy7611, Skaterboy7612, Skaterboy7613, Skaterboy7614, Skaterboy7615, Skaterboy7616, Skaterboy7617, Skaterboy7618, Skaterboy7619, and Prissyboy7725 challenged me to a duel…

I got scared like a chicken and ran away.

**Day 18: **  
So today I was trying to find more things to kill, but I couldn't find anything. I kept finding things but other people kept taking the stuffs that I was trying to kill. **I MEAN, LIKE, NOT COOL, DUDE! CEREAL-SLY! I WISH PEOPLE WOULD GO FIND LIKE OTHER STUFF TO LIKE KILL AND NOT JUST TAKE STUFF AWAY FROM LIKE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE ME JUST BECAUSE I'M NEW TO THIS GAME! I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WISH THAT PEOPLE WOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF ME, BECAUSE IT'S REALLY NOT NICE!**

_I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF SOMEONE TOOK AWAY SOMETHING THAT YOU LIKED A LOT AND GOT RID OF IT? IT WOULDN'T BE VERY FUNNY THEN, WOULD IT? I WOULD THINK NOT!_

So I was traveling around again, and I got to this place where there were a lot of people wearing funky Viking hats, and they were called, "Barbarians". Now that is a **REALLY FUNNY NAME! **I mean, seriously, doesn't anyone actually use a name book anymore? All the people in the village are called "Barbarians". I wonder how do the people keep straight who's their kid and who's not their kid? It would be pretty confusing, wouldn't it? I don't know how they do it! It must be magic. It must be. There's no other explanation for it. It's magic stored in that crazy ugly brown colored spiked armor they wear. I know it. Or maybe it's in the weapons they carry. You know, they have really poor taste in clothing. I can't believe that they wear that weird outfit day after day after day! Really? Wouldn't it get dirty?

But still, I wonder if it's in that helmet. Maybe the helmet's too tight and it causes them to become smarter. It must be. That's exactly the reason why. I know it. It's stupid helmet! _**I've got to get myself one of those helmets.**_


	7. Days 19 to 21

_**Author's Note: Hey everyone!  
First of all, a big thank you to the 8 reviewers- you guys rock! If there's anything that I misspelled, or need to double check my facts on, feel free to tell me in a review. If there's anything you want me to add- any funny stories about newbies, or any funny stories about when you were a newbie, feel free to tell me! Hope you enjoy this next installation of Diary of A Wimpy Newbie!**_**  
**-

**Day 19: **  
Today I am going to go kill myself. I found out that the wilderness is now a free for all kill-fest. So I am going to make a lot of fires and collect all the ashes and put on no armor and have no weapon with me. I'm going to go piss off some guy that thinks he's going to get the biggest freebie he's ever gotten. He's going to get a lot- of **JUNK**! So I'm going. I'll tell you how I'm doing tomorrow. Actually, I don't even have to wait for tomorrow. I can do it right now. I'm going to go collect ashes first. I'm going over the bridge near the cow place. That's where a lot of people go to make fires, I found out. After they kill the cows, they cook the meat. WOW, I'M SO LUCKY! THERE'S A LOT OF ASHES ALREADY HERE! YES! I MUST BE THE LUCKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW! OR AT LEAST FOR RIGHT NOW. BUT I STILL THINK I AM THE LUCKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK, pUnKeDuBaD2134! I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT! **NO, I'M NOT A NOOB! GOSH, WHAT IS UP WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS? JUST BECAUSE I'M LVL 5, DOESN'T MEAN I AM A NOOB! AND WHAT IS A NOOB ANYWAY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE ARE SO FOUL MOUTHED. I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN'T SWEAR. I MEAN, HOW EASY IS IT TO SAY, "YOU'RE SO CHEAP, YOU'RE ONLY WORTH A QUARTER OF A CENT!" OR "YOU'RE PURPLE, LIKE GRAPES!" OR "YOU'RE SO COLORFUL, YOU LOOK LIKE MUD!"**

Honestly.

I mean, how hard is it to just not use big words? I mean, instead of using big technical words that no one can understand, why not use what I just said? Oh, and for your information, there's a dictionary on the internet that doesn't use complicated big words.

IT'S CALLED WIKIPEDIA, PEOPLEZ!

**I mean, most people only have a vocabulary of a first grader, like me, right?**

**Day 20:  
**Sooooooooooooo... I've been working hard on collecting ashes, and so far I have 112 ashes, enough to fill 4 inventories full. I've filled up my inventory with ashes, and now I'm going to go to the wilderness. Here I go.

I've made it to the wilderness border. The pile of rocks look really scary, and there are a lot of people fighting. Some are shooting red bullets at other people, some others are holding big, scary looking swords and hacking at other people. Now I've jumped over, and I am a little scared, but mostly excited. I take a few steps forward. No one's trying to kill me yet. Phew. There is a skull above most people's heads, and I don't know what that means. I go farther.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! A lvl 20 person just hit me! Now I'm half dead! I can't believe this. I told him he would just get ashes, and guess what he said?

"lol. ****ing noob. ur so retarded"

First of all, I'm not retarted. I'm not a strawberry fruitcake or a tart you know! Besides, if I was a tart, everyone would want to lick me and eat me and I wouldn't be here now because everyone would have taken a bite out of me and that would be a lot of bites OH HEY LOOK, BONES! and then I wouldn't be here because if everyone took a bite out of me I would be dead and or gone OMG THERE ARE A TON OF ARROWS AROUND HERE AND A LOT OF COOL STUFF LIKE GOBLIN ARMOR I WONDER IF I CAN WEAR THAT? although I learned in class that a person is made up of water so if they're biting me then doesn't that mean they're just drinking water?

My mom and my dad and my teachers all say I'm super smart and can figure out things quickly if only I use my brain more but my friend Bob says that I'm one smart cookie. Everyone says I'm some food or the other, but I just wanna be me!

I'm running away, and I'm in a place with a lot of trees. Good thing the evil lvl 20 is gone. He didn't feel like chasing after me probably. I have to go home. But I don't know which way is Lumbridge. I don't want to go back and ask someone, or they might kill me.

OMG, I have 5 hearts left and my heart is flashing this probably means I am about to die!

I'm scared.

I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna face judgment day yet.

** I'M SORRY**

**MOMMY!**

**Day 21:  
**I logged off and logged back on and my hearts increased a few so now I'm going to try to get out of here except I don't know which way I should run. Should I turn back and face those mean members making fun of me and trying to kill me? Or should I just wander around and wait it out until I somehow end up home?

What should I do?

_What should I do?_

**What should I do?**

What should I do?

_**WHAT SHOULD I DO?**_

Aha! I just remembered that there is one way I can get home easily- the Lumbridge teleport, which everyone has, and everyone is given one after they get out of Tutorial Island.

I'm teleporting home, I'm teleporting home, I'm teleporting home, I'm teleporting home, I'm teleporting home, I'm teleporting home, I'm teleporting home, I'm teleporting home, I'm teleporting home!

HEY! NOT COOL! A BUNCH OF SCARY THINGS JUST ATTACKED ME! THERE ARE FOUR GUYS (OR GIRLS) AND THEY'RE ALL IN BLACK ARMOR!

**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BLACK KNIGHTS!**

OH WAIT, THEY'RE PLAYERS! HEY! NOT FUNNY YOU KNOW!

I tried telling them that it was no use killing me and that I didn't have anything they wanted. In fact, I didn't have anything, period. I even tried to reason with them. But all they said was that it was easy to kill me, and I was just wandering around, and that I was a noob. One even called me stupid! The nerve of him! I'm telling mommy when I get off!

Hey, I'm almost dead!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help! help!

Stop, stop, stop, just please stop already!

I need to get out of here. I just need to get out of here. I need to get out. I just need to get. I don't know when the guys will kill me, but I'm guessing it will be soon. I can't do this. I can't run. I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY I'M RUNNING! HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME! OH, GOOD, I'M BACK IN THE GREEN GRASS AND DIRT PART OF THE WILDERNESS AGAIN.

HEY! SOMEONE! I NEED HELP! SOME GUYS ARE AFTER ME AND I NEED HELP FIGHTING THEM! ANYONE WANT TO HELP?

And there is a saver. Some guy named Pwn1U2Oh3 says he wants to help me fight the four guys. I'm so thankful. He is going with me back again. I'm getting nervous. I'm so scared. What if the guys appear out of nowhere? I tell Pwn1U2Oh3 this, and he says it's no big deal. He wants to rest. Fine with me, I think I need a break too.

What's this? He's ATTACKING me? What the heck?

SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER! SCAMMER!

Oh no! The guys in black are back! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! What?

they just told Pwn1U2Oh3, "thx bro, 4 helping us rid R S of noobs!"

I told them, "Scammer! I am going to REPORT YOU ALL!"

The last thing I saw before I died was Pwn1U2Oh3 saying one word in capital letters.

"NOOB."


	8. Days 22 to 24

**Day 22:  
**Hahahahaha! I STOLE 80 GP FROM A NEWBIE!  
A lvl 3 dude showed up today in Lumby Castle. I was making fires. My woodcutting lvl is, like, 20 now, so TAKE THAT, YOU STUPID WIMPY NEWBIE! YEAH, GO CRY AND WRITE A DIARY ENTRY ABOUT IT AND SELL IT, BUT YOU WON'T EARN ANY MONEY FROM IT BECAUSE, FACE IT, YOUR STORY IS JUST NOT **COOL** ENOUGH!  
Anyhoo, he was making fires and I went up to him and said, "Hey, do you want something good?" And he was like, "What?" and I was like, "Something REALLY cool. It only costs 80 gp. Trade with me." And he was like, "Ok." And he traded with me and he gave me 80 gp and accepted and I accepted and he was like, "wait, where's the stuff you wanted to give me?" and I was like, "It's SO cool, it's INVISIBLE. You have to accept the whole trade in order to see it. And he was like, "How do I know you aren't scamming me! SCAMMER!" And I was like, "dude, relax. I'm not scamming you, im 4 realz. Trust me. In fact, I'll tell you what it is. It's very rare and even members don't have it." And he was like, "WHAT IS IT?" And I was like, "It's called _**THE INVISIBLE CORRUPT DRAGON**_." And he was like, "corrupt? Doesn't that fall apart after 30 minutes?" and I was like, "nope, it doesn't fall apart. You see, it was made in Asagarnia, and it's very rare because it was made by snow imps who were under a vow of silence to not tell about the magnificent stuff they were making because if they did, the ground under them would heat up and they would burn right then and there." And he was like, "Wow." And I was like, "Yeah." And he was like, "okayyyyyyyyyy…." And he accepted the trade and I accepted, and I got 80 gp but THE STUPID NEWBIE DIDN'T GET ANYTHING HAHAHAHAHAHA BECAUSE HE WAS TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THAT THE STORY I JUST MADE UP ON THE SPOT WAS SO LAME IT COULDN'T EVEN POSSIBLY BE TRUE SO HE WAS SO DUMB BUT I GUESS THAT'S JUST NEWBIES FOR YOU THEY ARE THE DUMBEST THINGS NEXT TO CHICKENS AND COWS TO EXIST IN THE WORLD, NO THE WHOLE UNIVERSE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
**Day 23:  
**So today I got reported. I think it was because I scammed that noob. But it's not fair. I see people scamming other people in the GE every day! I mean, like, seriously! _Doubling money?_ Yeah, people stand in the GE doing nothing but going, "doubling money! Legit double!" I mean seriously? And, and, and, and, TRIMMING! Such a fail! I mean, these things are not even legitimate. I'm just a newbie trying to earn some hard cash to buy food. GIVE ME A BREAK! I was, like, MUTTED I mean MUTED and I wasn't even able to talk with other peoplez which really sucks and it wasn't even fair. I totally think the Jagex people have something against me. I don't know why though. Huh. I mean, all I could use was quick chat, and that was so boring and stupid I mean, only dumb people or people whose parents are retarted and don't want their kids to hear the bad words other people are saying make their kids choose quick chat when they sign up. So it's like, not even fair and I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THAT THE JAGEX PEOPLE BANNED ME FROM TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT'S JUST AS BAD AS PUTTING A GAG OVER MY MOUTH OR EVEN IN MY MOUTH GOSH I MEAN JAGEX PEOPLE, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GUYS AREN'T EVEN AMERICAN BECAUSE IN AMERICA IT'S A FREE COUNTRY AND PEOPLE CAN SAY WHATEVER THE HECK THEY WANT AND DO WHATEVER THE HECK THEY WANT AND NEVER GET IN TROUBLE FOR IT! JAGEX PEOPLE, LISTEN TO ME! I'VE ONLY GOT ONE WORD TO SAY TO YOU, AND THAT IS... **GO FART IN A SHOEBOX AND SMELL THE STENCH! **! I AM EVIL AND THIS IS MY REVENGE ON THE KINDOM OF RUNESCAPE AND THE JAGEX PEOPLE ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT FAIR AND NO GOOD LOUSY AND THYE ARE A BUNCH OF OLD FARTS! YOU WILL PAY FOR MUTING ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
huh, that wasn't as informative as I thought it would be. It was mostly me rambling on and on and complaining. BOY AM I MAD! ARGGGGGHHHHH.  
**Day 24:  
**So I gots nothing to say today. I got muted- AGAIN! This was probably why: after I got unmuted (which was after 24 hours, which is such a long time but 24 divided by 3 is 8 which is how long an average person should sleep and 24 divided by 8 is 3 which, multiplied by 4 which is 12, is usually how long I play runescape every day but I don't get much done most of the time mostly just reporting people and sitting around and talking and getting in trouble with other members and then complaining about it) So today I got muted for 48 hours which is two days which is a REALLY time you see, my daily routine is wake up at twelve, play runescape until twelve and then go to bed and repeat the cycle all over again. I've been doing this since I was 3 months old. You see, I have this back-story. Would you like to hear about it?  
_It was a dark and stormy morning. The school bell rang. My little kindergarten self (for I was only knee high and many adults would trip over me and they would say that __**I**__ tripped __**them **__on purpose) so when I arrived at school that day, I was just humming my favorite song (the theme song of Barney and friends) and I was working on A's (see how smart I am?) When I was done, I needed to use the restroom and the teacher came over and I accidently tripped her really, really, really bad and she fell in the goldfish tank and then *sob* *sob* *sob* *sob* *sob* __**I WAS EXPELLED FROM KINDERGARTEN FOR TRIPPING THE TEACHER!**__ You see, after she fell into the goldfish tank, she swallowed two goldfishes and it turns out she was allergic to goldfishes and her face turned blue and she got a concussion (ow!) anyways, that is why I am living life like this- because I got expelled at a young age, thrown out of kindergarten for not knowing that my teacher was allergic to goldfishes! And, purposely tripping her, but they don't know the real story, and they never will. They don't care!  
_So, that's why my daily routine is now play, sleep, and repeat. I don't know where I fit eating in, but I don't usually eat since I get full just watching my character eat on runescape. I think I eat while I sleep, but is that technically possible? Anyways, where was I?

HEY! SOMEONE JUST CALLED ME A

_**NOOB**_


	9. Days 25 to 27

**Day 25:**

So today I got myself some meat! YES! I heart meat! Yes! I love it! L-O-V-E it! You know, there's a name for people who love to eat meat and they are called carnivores (because the word carne means meat as in carne con jalapeños which I ate once at a restaurant because the name was fancy and I thought that because the name was fancy it was really expensive so I ordered it even though my mom and the waiter told me that it was different but they didn't tell me HOW it was different so I just decided to order it because it was my mom's money and not mine so HA and I had to drink 10 GALLONS of water afterwards because it was THAT SPICY and I am NEVER ordering that stupid disgusting meal again so yeah) and people who are carnivores like to eat meat and DID YOU KNOW that everything in the world is edible, including newspapers (tastes like paper), garbage (tastes like two week old tomatoes- yum!), and shoes (tastes like chicken)? Even PEOPLE are edible! I learned that from this one movie (I forget the name) but the person said that everything in the room (because they were in a room full of candy and everything in the room was edible) was edible, even the people, but that would be called CANNIBALISM which is frowned upon in society. Anyway, I think it's called Charles in the Candy Factory. I forget what the real name is but I think I'm correct but my mom is always saying that I have the memory of my 80-year old grandma, which I think it's a compliment because old people are smarter but YOU KNOW WHAT? They don't have to do anything but sit in a chair and drool and sleep all day. ANYWAYS, I'm getting off topic. So I got myself some meat. And I haven't been on Runescape a whole lot because my grades have been dropping... wait do I even go to school? Anyway, but I managed to sneak out of the house and go to the library to get on the computers because my mom locked all the computers at home with a password and she did this before but it was really easy to guess (momrules is NOT a good password) but now she locked it with a new password so I have to go to the library now to even get on the internet. Anyways, so, I went on Runescape, and they had this new Christmas thingy and so I started doing it and I started with the snow puzzle blower thing but I couldn't figure it out and I got really mad and I almost broke the computer and the librarian yelled at me but then I realized that DUDE IT'S ON YOUTUBE, so I went on and found the answer to the puzzle and I finished it. Then I realized OMG THE WHOLE THING IS ON YOUTUBE! SO HA I FINISHED IT. YEAH CALL ME A CHEATER BUT I FINISHED IT AND I BET NO ONE ELSE KNOWS THIS AWESOME TRICK AND THEY ARE ALL FAILURES AND SHOULD BE TROLLED. OMG so I went on YouTube and I searched up TROLOLOL and now I have _trololololololololol _stuck in my head and I have trolling stuck in my head so I decided to say everything as trolling but then my friend... do I even have friends? Anyways, my mom and stuff got really annoyed and now I'm grounded so now I can't say troll and stuff but I CAN say nyan AND nyan cat is EPIC 'cause it's a CAT and then people say it's stupid but it's so AWESOME because it poops out a RAINBOW! Well, anyways, I finished the Christmas event and I'm so happy YAY! SMILEY FACE! But you know WHAT? You know what's even better than the smiley face! THE AWESOME FACE! Anyways, BYE! Or should I say, KONICHIWA! (WHICH MEANS BYE-BYE FOR YOU PEOPLEZ WHO DON'T SPEAKZ L33T) Wait, I think that means hello or something... so, OHAYO!

BYE.

**Day 26**

I don't have much to say. I probably ranted too much but ranting is like SO IN RIGHT NOW, so yeah. So I played Runescape again. Like, I figured out my mom's password and HER PASSWORD IS SUCH A FAIL! It's _password_. OMG. Like she thought I was stupid enough to not know that, like duh! I didn't do much on Runescape today. I wandered around asking everyone if they wanted 5K. But of course I don't have it. So I'm trolling people. WHICH IS AWESOME! And then they were like, OMG YOU HAVE 5K! THAT'S LIKE NOTHING! FAILURE NOOB! GUESS HOW MUCH I HAVE? I HAVE LIKE A MILLION MIL! And I'm like, that's not even possible! And they were like, OH YEAH IT IS! And I was like, OH NO IT ISN'T! And they were like, OH YEAH IT IS! And I'm like, OH NO IT ISN'T! And they were like, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! And I was like, I'M LIKE A GUY. ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING? And they were like, YEAH, YOU'RE SUCH A SISSY GUY! I mean, OFFENDED! And they were like, I NO. WE WERE TRYING TO DO THAT. GET LOST, STUPID NUB. And I'm like WHAT'S A NUB? And they were like, IT'S NOOB, STUPID NUB. WOW, FAIL! YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE A LIFE DO YOU? And I'm like, UH, DEPRESSED! UH, OFFENDED! And one of them was like, AWESOME. NICE TO KNOW. LOL. So anyways, why does my life have to be so depressing? Am I really a failure at life? And I didn't realize that I had said it out loud and they were like, YEAH, YOU ARE! YOU SHOULD GO AND CRY IN A CORNER, NUB! OR BETTER YET, TAKE A LONG HIKE OFF A SHORT CLIFF!

**Day 27**

Today I don't have much to say either, just that today is a very very boring day, although there was a party in world 1 and I GOT INVITED! OMG I'm so EXCITED! Anyway, so there was a party and I was invited. I was standing around in Lumby near the castle (because I was waiting for someone to kill something and leave it so I could pick it up but I haven't gotten anything yet because for some reason the stuff keeps disappearing as soon as the thing dies which really sucks because the Runescape people are so greedy that they want all the food for themselves and they so they make the stuff disappear as soon as the thing dies so that they can get all the meat and I'm like so pissed off and it's SO not fair!) and someone really randomly says, "Party in Fally! Come one, come all!" And I was like, "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, I WANNA COME! BUT WHERE IS FALLY? AND WHAT IS IT? IS IT A NEW TOY? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, SHINY! And he was like, "nope, it's a city in Runescape. It's near here. Come on, follow me, I'll take you there." so I right clicked and followed him and we were on our way! The person was so nice because on the way there, he EVEN LET ME STOP TO PICK A FEW BUNDLES OF WHEAT! After that, we kept on going and the guy said he had to stop by the bank to drop off something and we made a detour to Draynor Village to drop off stuff at the bank and then we made our way to the PARTY ROOM in Falador. There was a HUGE party going on, with people dancing and having fun all over the room, and it looked like FUN! AND AND AND the best part was, THERE WAS FREE STUFF! After a while, a lot of people started to yell "Pull the lever! Pull the lever! Pull the lever!" and I'm like, WHAT LEVER and IS THAT A NEW TOY? OOOOOOOOOOOH, SHINY! AND SOMEONE NEARBY WAS LIKE, NOPE, IT'S A CANDY! AND IT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN AND IT TASTES REALLY GOOD YOU SHOULD GET SOME AND I WAS LIKE WHERE DO I GET SOME? AND THE GUY WAS LIKE, YOU GO TO YOUR BANK, GET ALL OF YOUR MONEY. And I was like, WHY? And he was like, IF YOU DO THAT AND PUT IT IN THE CHEST IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM NEAR THE DANCING DUDE NAMED PETE, YOU CAN GET SOME REALLY COOL STUFF! And I was like, OKAY! So I went to the bank (which was pretty far away because it was in Draynor Village and I ran out of running energy halfway there because I took the REALLY long way) and I got all my money (which was like, a lot of money, like 5K because some member WHO WAS ACTUALLY NICE gave me the money for free and he was just like, HERE HAVE THIS! IT'S MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO POOR NEWBIES WHO DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY! and I was like THANKS MAN YOU'RE THE BEST! and I gave him some ashes that I found on the ground and he was like LOL) and I ran back to Falador and the party room and I put the money in the chest and I heard someone say OMG SOMEONE JUST PUT 5K IN FAIL MUST BE A NOOB and another guy was like, YEAH IT WAS I TOTALLY JUST TOLD HIM TO GET ALL HIS MONEY FROM THE BANK AND PUT IT IN THE CHEST FAIL HE MUST ONLY HAVE THAT 5K FROM WHEN I GAVE IT TO HIM A FEW DAYS AGO FAIL! and I was like, SO I PUT 5K in what now? And the guy was like JUST WAIT. SOMETHING **MAGICAL **WILL HAPPEN! So I stood there and waited and then someone said, I PULLED THE LEVER. And then everyone began to count down but I was really confused because it wasn't the New Year yet so why was everyone counting down? Huh I must have lost track of the days. Well, anyway, after it got to 0 something REALLY COOL happened! IT STARTED TO RAIN BALLOONS! OMG THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME! AND GUESS WHAT? I POPPED SOME OF THE BALLOONS AND GOT SOME REALLY COOL FREE STUFF LIKE ASHES AND BURNT MEAT AND OTHER REALLY COOL STUFF. So I decided to find my 5K because I really needed it for other things and I wanted it back so I tried to find it when the guy who told me to put the money in said OMG I JUST GOT 5K! and I was like, HEY! THAT'S **MY ** 5K! I NEED THAT MONEY BACK! and I tried to trade with him but he didn't trade and he was just like, HAHA. FAIL. STUPID NOOB!

So now I'm broke. Yay me!

**WAIT, WHAT?**

_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_


	10. Author's Note

Hey guys, StarryHeaven here. It's an author's note, since I couldn't find where else to put this. Please bear with me for a while.

I forgot to mention this in the beginning of the last chapter (but I think I might have mentioned it in the first chapter): I originally intended _Diary of a Wimpy Newbie _to be about 20 chapters, but I changed that later on to make it 30 chapters, since I felt like there really couldn't be much of a story if there was only 20 chapters. I originally intended the story to be a month in the life of a newbie on Runescape. Then halfway through, I got a brain freeze. That, and add on the fact that I am in university now (which means less time to update) equals a lack of chapters. I tried and tried several times to shake off my writer's block and just couldn't.

For those of you who don't know, I used to play Runescape. I had an account with my hard earned 1 mil or so (saved up over several years) and my good armor and weapons and stuff. A lot of the experiences in_ Diary of a Wimpy Newbie _are from my personal experience. I have personally witnessed or experienced most of the things I wrote about. Because of school and something called life, I have stopped playing. (And I had gotten bored of the game. Please don't ask if I'm selling my account, because I'm not. Sorry.) But I have already started this fic, and I had wanted to quit- numerous times. But what kept me going were all the quirky messages and suggestions and wonderful reviews I got from my awesome reviewers. YOU GUYS ROCK!

I do want to say that the next chapter WILL be the last chapter of _Diary of a Wimpy Newbie_, and a sequel is still pending. I don't know if I want to write a sequel, so keep checking back on my profile. If anyone has any suggestions about topics to write about, feel free to review or leave me a message. Thanks again to all my reviewers, you guys rock my world so much and were such an inspiration for me to continue writing even when I really didn't feel up to it! I hope this author's note doesn't sound too cheesy but I really wanted to find a way to thank EVERYONE who has reviewed. Keep those reviews coming!

Happy New Year everyone!

Hugs and Teddy Bears,

~StarryHeaven


	11. Days 28 to 30

_**Hey everyone, StarryHeaven here. I just wanted to welcome you guys to THE VERY LAST CHAPTER of Diary of a Wimpy Newbie! Yay! I couldn't have done it without ALL you guys that reviewed so thank you everyone so much! ~virtual hugs everyone~  
I hope everyone liked this story, and if you have any comments or improvements, please, please feel free to message me or leave a review!  
Now, on to the last chapter! ^.^**_

**Day 28**

So today I got cheated. I was in Lumbridge (again, somehow I end up there every single stinkin' time I die I mean like can't I go somewhere else more interesting after I die like Varrock or Falador, or even the Wilderness? …although the Wilderness is really REALLY dangerous and I'll just get killed again.) But ANYWAY, so what was I saying again, oh yeah, the fact that I CAN'T STAND blue cheese! I mean, it's so smelly and stinky and it's already rotten anyway because I heard from someone else who said they were smarter than me (but they were really dumb and not even half as smart as me cuz I'm the smartest in the world so ha!) that blue cheese is actually already rotten because there are bacteria in the cheese that make it blue! I mean, who would want to eat cheese with bacteria in it already because its dirty and I learned that I can't eat food once it's passed the 1-second rule (which is that you can't eat food once it's been on the ground over 1 second) so I'm smarter than him so ha! I WIN! Besides, I'm SMART so I know that if anything has bacteria on it (like your hands or your face) you can wash it off with soap and water. So why can't the people just wash the cheese with soap and water and then eat it? I don't think drinking soapy water is a problem. I mean, it's just soap. If it makes your hands squeaky clean, then it should make your insides squeaky clean too, right? See how I'm WAY SMARTER than the average person? I'm so awesome! Yay me! So today on Runescape I went to a random village that I found on the map (cause I'm awesome like that just like the awesome face!) and GUESS WHAT I FOUND! YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I FOUND! I found CHEESE and TOMATOES! Omg, like I know right? But I remembered the thing about the blue cheese and I was like, "darn, I can't eat this cheese! I'm going to get sick! I have to wash the cheese!" so I went around to try to find a sink so I could wash the cheese but no one would tell me where I could find a sink and finally I found a sink in one of the houses that no one was in and I tried to wash the cheese but there wasn't a "wash cheese" option so I got really frustrated and I wanted to break the computer but I can't because I've already broken like 5 laptops and my mom says that if I break this one she won't buy me a new one (which I think is so mean because she SHOULD be buying me things since she said herself that I have the brain of a 3-year old (which I don't- I'm a certified genius, I even have a t-shirt to prove it) and that I would have to-GASP-go back to school and get an education and-GASP-make money! Which I don't understand since I told her before and I'm trying to convince her that I have a lot of money (10 mil in fact), and it's all in the bank at Lumbridge. Now if only I would go into Lumby and get the money, I'd be stinkin' rich, right?

It's just too bad no one understands that I'm actually a multi-millionaire. No one understands me! No one! Anyway, so I said I found some tomatoes and cheese right? And I wanted to wash the cheese right? (See how good of a memory I have? I can only remember things from about 2 seconds ago!) So I went to the lake where people were fishing and I said, "Yo, let me use some of this water to wash my cheese." And everyone else was really confused (I don't know why though…) and they were asking, "Why? Why do you need to wash your cheese?" And I decided to trick them and all since they were such NOOBS so I said, "Don't you know? I got this piece of cheese from somewhere very special. This cheese has SPECIAL MAGIC PROPERTIES on it that if you eat the cheese, you'll increase 100 lvls at once." And some people were like, "really?" and some people were like, "no way. You're lying." And I said, "But I'm not lying. I'm not lying because my mommy said that lying is not nice and you're not supposed to lie to others, EVER." And some people were like, "he's such a noob," and some other people were like, "yeah, I know right?" and I was like, "You know I can still hear you right? And I'm not a noob anymore, because it's BACKWARDS DAY so all you people are noobs and I'm not a noob. So ha!" And after that no one said anything and I tried to wash my cheese again but it didn't work with the lake either so I didn't know what to do. I MEAN, IF THE CHEESE ISN'T WASHED THEN IT WILL HAVE NO MAGICAL PROPERTIES! AND IF IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY MAGICAL PROPERTIES THEN IT WON'T BE COOL ANYMORE! I decided to go back into town to wash the cheese at the fountain in front of the castle in Lumby because there was no one there to watch me and only the weird guy that walks around asking about gold all the time, and of course the noobs, who walk around asking people for money (I mean, how LAME! I would NEVER ask people for money, even if I was flat broke!)

**Day 29:**

So today I went on and someone wanted to trade with me! I wasn't even in Lumby yet (because I had run out of energy to run FIVE TIMES during the trip to Lumby and had to stop and find a musician to stop and rest and recharge my running meter, which I think is lame). I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, I THINK IT'S THE LAMEST TING IN THE WORLD BECAUSE LIKE IN WORLD OF WARCRAFT YOU CAN SHOOT ALL THOSE BULLETS WITHOUT RECHARGING SO I THINK ITS STUPID THAT YOU HAVE TO RECHARGE YOURSELF SINCE IM NOT A WEAPON ALTHOUGH I MIGHT BE A WEAPON BECAUSE I ONCE PRETENDED TO BE A SHIP WHEN I WAS VERY LITTLE IN A SCHOOL PLAY AND THEN FOR WEEKS AFTER, I PRETENDED TO BE A SHIP AND I WOULD GO "BOOM! POW! KABAM! WHAM!" AND AFTER A WHILE PEOPLE STARTED TO GET ANNOYED WHEN THEY CAME TO OUR HOUSE AND I WOULD GREET THEM AND PRETEND TO SHOOT THEM WITH CANNONS AND BOMBS AND MAKE ALL THOSE NOISES WHILE THEY AND MOTHER WERE TALKING. OOOOOOOOOOH, OOOOOOOOOOH, ONE TIME, **ONE TIME**, THE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL (PRINCIPAL PEEWEE) AND THE STUPERDENDENT CAME AND TALKED TO MOTHER ABOUT MY "VIOLENT" BEHAVIOR AND MY "UNACCEPTABLE" BEHAVIOR AND THEY WANTED TO TAKE ME OUT OF SCHOOL BUT MOTHER SAID THAT **THAT** WAS UNACCEPTABLE AND WATNED TO KEEP ME IN SCHOOL BUT I WAS DONE WITH SCHOOL AND WANTED TO QUIT SCHOOL FOREVER AND THE PRINCIPAL ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO CONTINUE WITH SCHOOL AND I SAID NO AND HE SAID WHY NOT AND I SAID THAT SCHOOL WAS STUPID AND BORING AND ALL THE STUFF THAT WE LEARN DON'T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE AND THEN HE ASKED ME WHAT WOULD HELP ME IN REAL LIFE AND I SAID THAT SHOOTING GUNS AND **BEING A SHIP** WOULD HELP ME IN REAL LIFE AND I ALSO SAID THAT CRAYONS WERE A WASTE OF TIME AND COLORING WAS A WASTE OF TIME BECAUSE CRAYONS WEREN'T EATABLE AND ANYTHING NOT EATABLE WAS NOT FUN AND COOL AND THE PRINCIPAL ASKED ME IF I LIKED TO EAT CRAYONS AND I SAID THAT I LICKED TO AND HE ASKED ME WHY I LIKE TO EAT CRAYONS SO I TOLD HIM A SECRET: THE CRAYONS TASTE LIKE SOMETHING OF THAT COLOR! ISN'T THAT SMART? SO ANYWAY, I SAID THAT MY FAVORITE WAS THE PURPLE CRAYONS AND THE FIRST CRAYON I ATE WAS THE PURPLE ONE AND THE MAN ASKED ME WHY AND I SAID **YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID?** I SAID THAT THE PURPLE CRAYON WAS MY FAVORITE BECAUSE IT IS THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THE BOOK HAROLD AND THE PURPLE CRAYON AND I WAS BEING ALL SMART AND THE PRINCIPLE WAS IMPRESSED AND I ALSO SAID THAT THE PURPLE CRAYON TASTED LIKE GRAPES WHICH ARE MY FAVORITE AND THE PRINCIPLE ASKED IF GRAPES WERE MY FAVORITE FRUIT AND I SAID NO BECAUSE FRIUTS ARE STUPID AND DISGUSTING AND MY FAVORITE KIND OF GRAPE FLAVORED STUFF WAS GRAPE SODA AND GRAPE CHIPS! AND THEN AND THEN THE TWO PEOPLE LEFT AND MOTHER WAS RELLY MAD AT ME BUT I DUNNO WHY AND SHE LOCKED ME UP IN YM ROOM AND I DIDN'T GET DINNER BUT ITS OK BECAUSE AFTER SHE WENT TO SLEEP I SNEAKED DOWNSTAIRS AND HAD A BIG BOWL FULL OF GRAPE SODA WITH GRAPES CHIPS FLOATING INSIDE IT AND I ALSO ATE A LOT OF CHOCOLATE. SO YEAH.

**Day 30:  
**So I have some bad news. I got hacked today! I can't believe I got hacked I mean all I told the person was my name and password and my real name and address and how much money I have in my bank account (which mother made for me since she thought I wouldn't be able to go back to school and wanted me to have some money so that I would be able to at least eat something) and the guy said that he wouldn't hack my account but he did and im so mad because all my money is gone and all my stuff are gone too and the worst thing is, MY LOGS ARE GONE! I just got to level 20 of woodcutting and I am able to cut oak now and I cut a lot of oak logs because I wanted to sell the logs at the GE because logs are high in demand and I can get a good price for them and I can get stinking rich but my logs are all gone now so I don't have any logs and now im so mad because the guy that hacked me won't give my money back 'cause he said he spent it all on some armor or something that falls apart in 30 minutes, apparently, 'cause he's such a noob (I know, rite?) and now I don't have any money and now im broke so now I have to start over again with all the money and im so pissed because the guy didn't have to steal my money like that and I don't even know why he would want to steal my money in the first place ('cause everyone keeps calling me a noob but I still don't know what that is but im pretty sure that being a multimillionaire doesn't qualify as being a noob anymore and besides, my stats are pretty good since I have a woodcutting of twenty and a fire making of also about twenty and a cooking of thirty ('cause I spent one whole freakin' day just catching fish and cooking it and then buying more fish and cooking it and I got my cooking level up that high and now I can cook (although I can cook in real life and im a PRO at making jelly-o and smoothies 'cause all I have to do is mash the strawberries and bananas up and put them into a bowl and then put a lot of ice cream and cover the fruits and then put more fruits on top so mother doesn't see that im only eating ice cream and then I dump the whole thing into the blender, minus the bowl, 'cause its made of porecelain or something but im sure it's not eatable so im not going to try and besides it doesn't sound tasty anyway) so anyway my stats are pretty high but now im so LOW and depressed AND WHY DID THE GUY HAVE TO STEAL MY MONEY? **WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? **I want to go into a rage and destroy everything but I can't 'cause ill get in trouble with mother again because the last time I did that she yelled at me and didn't let me go to the bathroom for a whole week but that was okay because there's a window in my room (which is on the second floor) and I just open my window and pee out the window. I get a few really weird looks and once, I nailed an old lady in the eye with my pee and it was so funny because the old lady kept going, "Who did this? Who did this?" and then it wasn't so funny when I found out that the old lady's eyes were blind and worst of all, THAT OLD LADY WAS MY GRANDMA BETTY! I HATE grandma Betty. HATE HATE HATE HATE her with a passion, justlike I hate the ugly old hag that stole all my money!

**RAGE!**

I have made an important decision: I am going to quit Runescape, forever. GOODBYE.

~from the diary of the noob that lived. R.I.P.


End file.
